she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
