This house was built for laser tag.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
