Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I cant video chat with you tonight, my parents are home
r u implying that im some kind of v-chat prostitution whore?
He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
THERE ARE ENTIRELY TOO MANY HOT UNDERAGE GIRLS HERE FOR THIS TO REMAIN LEGAL.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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