i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
Success! We fucked roommates!
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
Randomize
