Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
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