While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
all ill say about last night is that we tried to stop you. oh and the bus you're on is going to nashville.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
