Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Randomize
