Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
Randomize
