Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Randomize
