You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
Just had another dream about being on Real Chance of Love. I think it's a sign.
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
Heed the warning of the ghost of Oktoberfest present: German beer is soooooooo much better than our watered down children's piss. also lost all my clothes and am wearing lederhosen the rest of the trip.
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
Randomize
