I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
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