My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
Randomize
