I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
I know I'm not learning anything when I can't even spell the name of the class I'm taking
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
These girls next to us are doing shots called bath salts. Sadly this is the classiest bar I've been to since i moved to PA
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