ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
The forest. Magic mushrooms. Wind trees leaves sky. That is alll.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
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