last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
maybe after you take off her top her face will be hotter
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
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