I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
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