Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Randomize
