we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
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