I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
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