Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Moan for me like Helen Keller
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
Only if I get to be Gritty
How would you be Gritty for a fantasy hockey league?
Don't worry about it.
Randomize
