Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
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