My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
the whole time he was cumming, he did the joey lawrence WHOA. over and over. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA.
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
No, I googled it. Apparently, male thongs are the next snuggy and a lot of guys love wearing them for the support.
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
