So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
Randomize
