he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
There are two guys's cum on my sheets. Be a man and be the third.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
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