Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
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