i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
i wish we had morning classes together so we can spike our coffee.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
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