I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
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