cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
I found my bra I wore on Friday night...he fucked the underwire out of it
hahahahaha
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