I just read the lonely terrorist on nwa had 40 more friends than me on facebook
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
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