new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
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