Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
we watched a tutorial on how to do guidette makeup
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
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