is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
I just dont think you can meet a stranger after youve heard them cum through the walls though
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
Randomize
