Just saw the homeless asian lady making a hispanic man pull her shopping cart with a harness. I love Boston.
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
2nd year in a row being a arrested before school starts...tradition at its finest
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
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