how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
she broke up with me using backstreet boy lyrics
you deserved it if you knew it was backstreet boys.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
Randomize
