apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
Randomize
