You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
Randomize
