if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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