I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
Dude just pulled his dick out and started stroking it and making s sound like cocking a shotgun....wtf was in those e pills
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Randomize
