in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
Randomize
