I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
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