I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
Randomize
