Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize