I'm going to rape someone's good day.
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
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