My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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