I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Randomize
