U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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