Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Actually we have similar relationship styles aka no relationship... it could work
Randomize