He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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