when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
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