five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
Is it wrong that im more embaressed about the karoke than the toplessness?
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
Randomize
