Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
He is an equal opportunity slut.
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
Chapter 6 - how to lose your underwear in chicago
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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