i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
i hate that site..its like every vagina you dont wanna see
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
Adderal just makes me love life. I want to do so much. I just can't stop thinking about all the wonderful opportunities we have and how lucky we are and I want to make a difference in the world. I just have to reign in my brain and convince it that changing the world starts with a college degree, which depends on studying for these finals.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
