I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
Bought asot tix too. After Saturday I'm gonna be reborn like Jesus and no drugs until edc
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
i need to put some appletini on your dick
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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