today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
Randomize
