I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
just had sex in his gielfriend's bed, and puked all over it. i need to get out of here.
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
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