I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
The only thing I really remember is repeating "I hope I still have a job on Monday". Oh and pulling my boob out of my dress.
So I take it the company Christmas dinner went well then...
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
Randomize
