My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
His hands were made for my vagina.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
Randomize
