All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
Shitshow foam night was such a success
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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