He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
Randomize
