Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
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