I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
