i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize