I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
