her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
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