I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
you're like a bully in the Christmas story
he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
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