I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
