Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
oh so have I but I'd still suck a dick or 20 in the name of freedom.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
